Like most towns, my high school in Flint, Michigan always had these little dances as school fundraisers. They weren’t formal (that was the PROM) and were held in the gym (of course). During my sophomore year, I was the Class Vice President and one of my main duties was to work the Valentines dance—manning the front desk, selling tickets, selling photo packages etc. Todd Richardson, our class treasurer, was working the same shift with me. The dance was pretty well attended and we were feeling all happy. As we sat there, this guy Lance from my choir class (yes. choir. I was Glee before Glee, ya’ll.) strolls up in work out gear and casually asks, “Hey what’s going on here?” Obviously he didn’t see the GIGANTIC hearts and streamers. So I tell him it’s the Valentines Dance. (duh) Now Lance was a nice looking guy and fancied himself a bit of a ladies man. He was also convinced that he *was* Prince and was workin’ that 80s Prince hair. I guess he kinda liked me because after a little chit chat he said, “Hey, so if I come back dressed up, will you dance with me??” I sort of grinned awkwardly not sure what to say. To sweeten the deal he added, “We can get our picture taken!” I wasn’t sure how to respond and stuttered lamely, “Uh…well.. I’m kind of working.” I look pleadingly at my buddy Todd, who totally pimped me out, saying, “You can totally dance. I’ll cover.” Then to Lance, “She’ll definitely dance with you!!” Lance grinned and sauntered out the door. I was peeved, but Todd looked at me all indignant, “We need to sell tickets! It’s a fundraiser!” *sigh*

To Lance’s credit, he got cleaned up pretty quickly—to my surprise he strolled in 15 minutes later in a plum colored Miami Vice suit. Hot! We share an awkward dance to Union of the Snake by Duran Duran and then get in line to get our picture taken. Bear in mind I’m totally NOT dressed up and look like a huge dork. Not to mention the photography set up was sooo low budget—it was literally a chair next to a tall skinny table with a rose on it. Lance thanks me and leaves immediately after getting our pic taken. So much for our date. I trot back to the table where Todd asks me “How was the dance?” I shoot him a look. I’m thinking, “How weird…I’m going to have all these photos of me and Lance….” Cut to the end of the night. Our photographer comes over and says, “Hey, you two kids have been working so hard all night. How about a picture on the house??” Todd lights up. “Sure!” Good lord, so now I have to take another awkward wierd photo with ANOTHER non-date??? This was turning out to be the most random dance EVER.

Two weeks later I was presented with not one, but TWO sets of photos, courtesy of my two charming dates. I was now the proud owner of multiple 5x7s and far too many wallet pics. Of course I handed them out to all my friends. “Would you like something from the Lance Collection or the Todd Series?” I would offer. Do you wanna see the photos? Oh you KNOW you do. Presenting:

TODD. Rockin’ the high waisted jeans and running shoes.

LANCE. Plum trousers and grey leather skinny tie. Suave.

I’m not sure why Lance took his sport jacket off (probably because we had worked up such a sweat Cabbage Patchin’ to Duran Duran. Ahem.). All I know is I look like hell in these photos. It’s a testament to how much I love you guys I’m sharing ’em. Now that I have divulged the PHOTOS, I wanted to clarify a few issues I’m SURE are burning in your mind:

1) YES I am wearing some black lace scrap in my hair. We don’t know why. Maybe I think I’m madonna?
2) YES the photographer made me sit with my legs demurely crossed like that.
3) NO I was not jaundiced.
4) NO I did not weight 500 pounds, as the picture would indicate. I swear I was normal weight in high school. College? That’s another story….*cough* It’s really just my outfit.
5) Speaking of my outfit. What the hell am I wearing? I look like the Easter Bunny. I have on this GOD AWFUL Esprit pink sweatshirt that was all 80s and had no defined sleeves…the hood was also “freeform,” hence the pink linebacker effect. I think I have on pink cords and weird grey sneakers shoes that look suspicously like jazz shoes. Which are actually in style again, so hell, maybe I’m not as far off as I thought.
6) On the plus side (HEY! I said PLUS SIDE not plus size….) I am wearing a lovely vintage rhinesone necklace. Which you can’t really see. But trust me. It’s perty. Can I get a few points for that?? This is me again. Slightly better photo.

I was made fun of by my friends for YEARS afterwards. I had actually pushed the whole sordid affair back into the far corners of my mind, when I got a Valentine’s Day card  from my friend Jennifer, who I had lost touch with. Inside were the two wallet sized pics of me—one with Lance and one with Todd. I couldn’t help it, a small tear welled up in my right eye. Not from nostaligia, but from the realization that I was wearing Madonna-style lace gloves, but ONLY in the picture with Lance. It’s true. Scroll back up if you don’t believe me. Happy Valentines Day, my Kiddo Cuties.